It has been a little quiet on the faith front, I know. This past year and a half has been probably the hardest of my life; I have been hit face-on with more crossroads, more obstacles, more challenges than I can ever remember encountering.
Through it all, there has been this internal indecision: do I lay my journey out there for everyone to see? Or do I trudge through it all, like the Pilgrim’s Progress, and hope I live to tell about it?
So, I decided a little of both.
You guys, among other feelings, I am so discontented with all things “Christian”. I’m not saying I don’t want to be a Jesus-Follower; I’m not saying I don’t believe or I don’t want it. I’m saying, I really feel as if, we have totally lost what it means to be Christians.
Since when did “accept Jesus” become code language? Since when did “put on Christ” become “put on a facade”? Since when did we decide being a Christian means being completely lost in this world of euphemisms, jargon, and perfect answers?
I am so tired of sitting among people of same belief, biting my tongue, because if I say what I really feel an awkward silence will follow. Surely, I am not the only one with pains, and questions, and serious issues?! Surely, I am not the only one who reads a scripture and thinks, “How the heck am I supposed to apply that?!”
I want raw. I want real. And I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus wants, too.
There’s a guy in the Bible; we know his story. He’s living life- going to work, kissing the wife when he gets home, investing in his kids’ lives- and tragedy strikes. Real, hard-core, no-answers, tragedy. From out of nowhere. And he goes to God with BIG QUESTIONS. Questions his friends can’t answer; the sorts of questions which are almost always followed by cricket noises. Questions like:
WHY.
WHY do you say you will protect me and then bad things happen?
WHY do you tell me I can ask for anything and, when I ask, I get the opposite?
WHY did you do this to me?
WHY isn’t my life turning out like I thought it would?
WHAT is the point of you being with me if I still have to endure all this?
WHY.
I have a confession: those aren’t really the questions Job asked; they are actually the questions I have been asking for the past year and a half.
I have no answers, yet.
But I did realize one thing: in the beginning of Job’s story, God called him the most righteous person (someone who is on good terms with God) on the earth. On.the.earth. I think I know why: because Job wasn’t afraid to ask God the big questions. He wanted a real God and he wanted to be real with God.
For most of my life, in any of my struggles, I thought, for some reason, I wasn’t allowed to ask those questions. It might be disrespectful to question God; I might make Him angry; I might offend Him.
But it really became too much and no person I went to could answer them for me.
Then one day during church, I thought maybe this might be something Jesus would ask me if we were talking, face-to-face, “Would you still follow me even if you had one-thousand unanswered WHYs?”
I didn’t answer. Because, really, what would I say and where else do I have to go?
So, this blog isn’t going to end on a happy, you-have-your-closure note. Sorry. I’m writing it to get it out and to let you know, if you’re having a harder time than you’re letting on, it’s okay to ask those big questions and be real. You might not get an answer or the answer you want, but you can ask them. I’m pretty sure because Jesus wants you to ask them; after all, He hung out with the raw and open; the hurting and angry; the blatant and brazen more than he hung out with the quiet and conventional.
I promise to be real, God. I promise to follow you even if I have one-thousand unanswered WHYs.
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